And you survive
You’re on week four of Felix waking up every hour of every night. But there’s only one more week to go. And you survive.
Not that it’ll all be over then, there’s another couple of hideous regressions to come, and at eighteen months you still haven’t had a full night’s sleep, but you’ve stuck to your guns about sleep training and it’s given you an inner tower of strength about the mama you are.
The sleep deprivation will take you to some dark places and you will be tested more than you ever thought possible – and sometimes you won’t always be the perfect person but that’s okay.
You finally feel more at peace with having a child that doesn’t sleep around the time of Felix’s first birthday. Although being used to it doesn’t stop the familiar feelings of frustration when you get a bad run around the time he turns eighteen months...It’s always the shock of the multiple wake-ups that takes a night or two to get used to, or the feeling of being dragged awake from the depths of contented sleep that makes you feel almost queasy. Or the fog of the next day, the slowness of your mind, the shameful feelings of not wanting to be around Felix, or the opposite, wanting to get away with just him – the standard rollercoaster of emotions of motherhood.
It’s so much easier now, he only wakes once or twice a night now which feels like a full night’s sleep compared to the worst times. He sleeps right next to you every night, which is probably what he wanted all along but you didn’t want to do it because it’s not right / not what everyone else does / not best for him in the long run – pick your reason, choose your fault, but it’s not anyone else who has had to live through so many sleepless nights. And you should be proud of what this has meant for Felix.
Every time your baby boy has woken up and needed you, you have been there for him. And even though you never considered having a baby that didn’t sleep before he arrived, this is how you would have hoped you’d be like as a mother. I wonder how it will feel when that morning dawns when you realise Felix has slept through the night in his own bed. At least you will finally be able to open the magnum of prosecco you’ve been saving for that moment in the fridge – it just better not be the day after a big food shop...