You had to break your own heart again
I know your heart is in more pieces than you have glue to fix, tears permanently behind your smile and I know this is never a decision you wanted to make. However, you first got pregnant at 17. Although never your choice nor was losing three more pregnancies. Five different life times vanished. Five tiny people all missing by the age of 20. Three years of your life gone constantly planning for a lifetime that never came.
You had to make a decision. Possible insanity, years wasted trying, a lost youth or living on. You needed time to breathe and you knew it. You had to stop trying for a baby to bring home, or more accurately you had to start preventing it being a possibility. You had to make the adult choice. You had to truly consider the challenges that would be ahead for the family you would be creating, the life you would be giving yourself. You had to look though the self-focused nature of grief and the deep aching of your arms. You had to, for the first time after years of cohesion, make a decision about your own body.
You had to say enough was enough for now. You had to accept that as a young bereaved parent this was an option you had and were lucky to have. You had to break your own heart again, sending yourself into a new world of grief and ‘what ifs’, and sweetheart, I am so sorry you had to choose.
You had to accept how much you were struggling, how exhausted to the core you were. How much you were trapped between logic and your heart. Deciding to pause growing your family was never going to erase the pain of your motherhood, change that you will always be a mother or lessen your love for the family that you had created. I just wish you had believed this sooner.
You had to start rebuilding your life. You had to prioritise taking time to build a career. To live a little, to act your age for a second and to laugh again. You needed time to continue learning how to parent your missing Airley, Freddy and Thomas, while grieving the two babies you never got to meet. You needed to see that there is no time limit to grief or love.
You needed to learn how to live with your PTSD and post-natal depression first. You need time to learn that your past does not define you. Learn the meaning of self-love and time to heal. Mama, you needed to take time for yourself and to keep building the legacy of your existing children though telling their story. For a while you needed to let yourself be needed for a different purpose.
Deciding to stop trying, to face that something might be wrong, or that a living child is not in your future while trying to stop out spirit grief was a decision for your future self. However, your current self must start talking, resolving and be patient. This is not an end. This is a change and a gifting of a different chance to your future self.
To my future self, I hope your hand is held, I hope you feel wiser and are in a different stage of your life. I know you have always been ready but I hope now life has caught up with desires of your heart. I hope that you still have time. I hope that you still have hope and I pray that this is your time now.
Remember my darling. You are never alone. You are still a Mama, your worth as a woman is not defined by your womb. And flower, you are strong enough to face whatever lies behind the door, when it opens for you again.