Even with anxiety there is love
I know you think you cannot do this, but you can. I know you think you are going to be a bad Mum, but you wont be. I know you think you cannot even look after yourself, let alone a child, but you can and you will.
Ever since you were a little girl, all you could envisage yourself doing was being a Mum. You always imagined you would be the picture perfect Mum because people said you were great with children. Yet as soon as you fell pregnant you doubted your ability to be a Parent. You read every book out there in the hope that it would tell you how to be the perfect Mum. From there you started to compare yourself to everyone else. Will I be as good a Mum as them? Will I be as patient as them? Will I be as fun as them? The answer is no because you are your own person and there is no right way of parenting. You will find the way that works for you and your child.
Throughout your pregnancy you worried that you would not be a good Mum, but the reality is that you already were. You worried about eating or drinking anything that would affect the baby, you quit smoking and you tried to keep your anxiety at bay so that your baby wasn’t affected. You already loved and protected your child.
As soon as your son is in your arms, you will feel a love like no other. Yet you will still feel anxious and depressed, which will confuse you. You will wonder ‘Why do I feel this way when I should be feeling happy and excited at the birth of my son?’ People will doubt the bond you have with your son because you are constantly upset and not taking care of yourself. But the bond is there. You are just ill. You will feel guilty for this and for not looking after your son the way you think you should.
In the first few months of Motherhood you will feel many emotions, mainly guilt, fear and loneliness. You will feel like no one understands you and like everyone around you is judging you. You will laugh through the crying and cry through the laughter. You will carry on like there is nothing wrong and try to do your best for your son.
You will worry that you crying will have an impact on him. You will worry that him crying constantly is because you have done something wrong. In reality it is because he has a milk allergy and colic. You will feel guilty for not liking him some days because he will not stop crying. You will feel guilty for leaving him to cry whilst you cry in the bathroom. You will feel fearful of leaving the house and attending baby groups and guilt if you do not. But it is ok because you are not feeling up to it today and you are doing your best!
You will get through this period. In months to come you will look back on this time and realise how far you have come and feel proud of what you have achieved. Your son will be happy and healthy and he will grow and learn quicker than you can imagine. Please make the most of this time and stop worrying so much. Everything will be ok.