Feeling lonely and isolated
I wanted to tell you that you are doing great, you are doing much better than you thought you would be able to a little while ago. The increase from one to two was hard, but not in the way that you expected it to be. Having a baby and knowing what to do with is was a walk in the park compared to becoming a parent the first time. This time you already were a parent, and you knew what you were doing. Well, sort of. The great secret of parenthood is that no one really knows! But I think you handled it well. You were as prepared as you could be - what caught you off guard was how big sister dealt with having to share her parents, and all the changes that came with the new baby. That was a bloody great challenge, but you made it through that too. All of you did. The tantrums and tears settled to a level of normality eventually, and soon enough it was difficult to even remember life with only one child. And the worries you had about being able to split your heart in two turned out to be completely unnecessary.
But a new season arrived, both outside and in your parenthood. It became darker and colder, and eventually you didn’t want to leave the house. In fact you didn’t want to leave the sofa. Days went without you speaking to anyone aside from your husband in the evening. Let’s be honest; you were not happy. I am glad you made the decision at that point to see your GP. It was the best thing you could ever have done because you acknowledged that you weren’t as happy as you could be. It seems like you benefitted from that meeting, even just for the conversation. I think what you finally figured out was that you were feeling lonely, isolated at home with two small kids in tow while everyone you knew were either back at work or too far away. You were offered medication and kindly declined – with the reassurance from your lovely doctor; I think we all agreed that was the right decision for you.
Admitting to feeling lonely and isolated is not an easy thing to do, but I am pleased you did because it forced you to start changing your routine. Nothing ever changes unless you start making different choices. You reluctantly filled your calendar and forced yourself into social settings, you even made friends with another mum from the nursery that turns out were in the same boat as you. When you decided to really move out of your comfort zone and bought a ticket to an event where you knew absolutely no one, that’s when you realised the changes you had made to your life were working. Even though you have only really dipped your toes into the pool of parenting, you have learnt to accept that the parent you thought you were going to be, or perhaps wanted to be, is not the parent you are. But you are doing the best you can, and that is good enough.