You've come a long way. Your little guy shows you unconditional love and respect everyday. He looks to you for guidance and reassurance. Every morning he climbs into bed beside you, throws his arms around you, showers you with kisses and tells you how 'cute' you are. You challenge each other but know that yours is a relationship that matters the most right now.
I wish you could fast forward to see how special your bond is. I know how much you wished for a natural birth and how much of a failure you felt in yourself for not being able to give your baby that. I know you felt guilty that you were sad about having a C-section when people told you that you should just be grateful he was safe and healthy. I wish you ignored friends who laughed when you told them your story and said 'Oh you were too posh to push.' This despite the trauma and despair you experienced not knowing if your little boy would be breathing when they pulled him out. I wish you had shunned online forums that claimed less of a bond between mothers and babies of C-section.
I look back now and think that maybe, in some ways, you feeling like a failure made you more determined to love and nurture your little boy in every way possible. I'm proud of you for struggling through the excruciating pain you experienced in those first weeks of breastfeeding. Not only were your nipples raw, cracked and bleeding, but your hungry little boy was also the perfect length to kick you right where your C-section scar lay almost everytime you fed him. But you persevered and started to not only enjoy breastfeeding, but love it.
You came back to Australia and left your family and friends behind in Ireland. You saw your husband return to work to leave you alone during the day with baby. I'm glad that you didn't sit at home all day wallowing in self-pity. You grabbed your baby carrier or pram and you and baby made a point of getting out of the house everyday. You told him stories about what you would do that day even though he looked straight through you. You sang to him constantly trying to summon that elusive smile with little concern for your long-suffering neighbours. You started to see that dark cloud lifting and as time went by you realised that having an emergency C-Section didn't mean anything.
You now have a happy, healthy toddler who is the ultimate Mammy's boy.
He loves you and you love him. And that's all that matters.