If the worst happens, you’ll be ok
Today has been the worst day of your life. Earlier on, you said goodbye to Tim for what could have been the final time as he went down for the surgery. You’re trying to ignore the pain you’d happily swap for childbirth and get some sleep now, craving the morning so you can call the hospital to check he’s survived the night.
You’re already well-versed in masking the petrified look on your face. You’ll be doing a lot of that over the next year. You won’t see the complications coming. They’ll blindside you and you will sigh in weary desperation, wishing you could get off the rollercoaster.
Bizarrely, you’ll get used to living like that.
Just hold on, because this is the worst day of them all. He will survive to tell his shit jokes and carry on making you a better person every day just by being who he is.
I know I’ve got no hope of you believing me now, but the nauseous terror will ebb away and, much like when you brought Xav home from the hospital and learned to live with the permanent parental fear, you’ll adapt to a new normal and I promise you – you won’t always feel this way.
Tonight you feel as weak and as powerless as you’ve ever felt.
Everyone around you is celebrating and assumes he’s going to be ok because he’s had the surgery.
But they don’t know what you know about his illness. They don’t know the repercussions and they don’t have to live with what you have to live with. They don’t have to make The Plan so that yours and Xav’s life could continue if The Worst happens. They don’t understand how all your lives will change from now. They don’t understand the cliff you’ve just jumped off together.
Just let yourself feel everything that you’re feeling. You’re devastated. You feel cheated. It’s all ok. You don’t have to force those feelings away simply because they’re not shared by others.
Soon, you’ll realise you’ve woken up and realised that this shitstorm has given you so much more than it has taken.
I’m here two years later and I wouldn’t change a thing.
You’re about to find out what you’re made of. You’ll get to know how resourceful, strong and capable you are.
A word of warning though: you’re also about to lose some friends. The landscape of who you spend your time with is about to change; big time. Bear with it because what it’s replaced with is infinitely better.
The ones who right now don’t seem to have jumped into the hole with you but are standing at the top edging their toe in….they’re not coming to help you dig yourself out.
Right now you’ve got no option but to batten down the familial hatches. You’ll question whether you should have done more to fight for those friendships. They didn’t fight, though.
Today people will start to come from nowhere to support you – some of whom you barely know - and you’ll realise that they’re the ones worth having around.
I know none of this makes any sense, but you’re in a state of trauma.
Try to hear this. Before too long, you’ll know that you can get through anything life slaps you round the chops with. You’ll know that if the worst happens, you’ll be ok. You won’t wake up with that pit of dread each and every morning terrified to open your eyes in case the worst has happened while you’ve been asleep.
You’ll come to know the true meaning of making each day count. You’ll build a business that will change the world. You’ll experience everything in more colour. The trivial things will fall away and that will be more liberating than you can imagine.
What a gift.
All my love,