It’s ok to be afraid
Looking back it was much harder than you allowed yourself to feel. You kept saying - we will just have to wait and see, she will be fine - but really you were terrified - truly terrified.
You always wanted to be a mama, and you always dreamed of a little girl. It didn’t mean you loved your boys any less. In fact when your little girl arrived you realised you loved them a tiny bit more. If that was possible. Doting, caring, protective big brothers.
The day the midwife called to say you needed to have a repeat bloodspot test you were out walking with a friend. You assumed there had been an error on the first test, so she was still there when the midwife very awkwardly told you there was a problem and a repeat test was needed. Cystic fibrosis markers were raised.
You didn’t let on how much it hurt. You said it will be fine, it probably is just an error. But you were terrified - you thought it was your fault for being greedy and having a third baby after two perfect boys.
The repeat test came back raised - a referral was made to the children’s hospital for further testing. Everyone said it would be ok. But how could they know?
Mama, you had no idea how complicated the diagnosis for cystic fibrosis was - every test came back with an elevated result - never by a huge amount but by enough to need further investigation. The process took weeks! You covered up the tears with jokes. You said it was your girl being mischievous, you said she was showing everyone who was boss. You were devastated.
On the second trip to the hospital; the day they took blood samples from your tiny baby; that was the day you thought ‘this isn’t funny anymore’ this is serious.
Your beautiful girl fed constantly, cried A LOT and wasn’t gaining weight as quickly as her brothers had... was this why? You had a complicated pregnancy with numerous hospital visits for reduced movement... was that related?
You still told everyone you were ok. It would be fine. She will be fine. But mama it was ok to find that tough. Your beautiful baby girl.
Eventually all tests were complete. She doesn’t have cystic fibrosis but still has raised markers so remains under the cystic fibrosis teams care. Everyone said you must be so relieved. Of course! But mama you still don’t know if this will have an impact on her health. There are still questions. The drs are unsure what her results and her diagnosis mean. She will be reviewed regularly. She hasn’t had ‘the all clear’
Mama, it’s ok to feel a little cheated. You lost weeks of enjoying your newborn through fear and worry. The fear and worry is still there.
Mama, it’s ok to worry and find it hard.
Mama - she is still your beautiful, perfect girl.