Most women find first-time motherhood a shock to the system
You're suffering right now, immeasurably so, you feel broken, lost, lonely, sleep-deprived and stressed but this dark period will pass, I promise. It will take CBT, a move closer to your family and starting a blog to start feeling yourself again and healing from the traumatic birth you faced, but YOU ARE NOT FAILING, this is not your fault.
Motherhood was presented to you as something you were born to do, and whilst you're naturally maternal, it's common to feel how you do right now, it's just not many speak about it. There's still a taboo. Please know that most women find first-time motherhood a shock to the system, most women find it hard to acclimatise to their new life once baby is here and most women need a village to raise a child.
The hardest time of your life to date will strengthen your resolve and will prepare you for more adversity to come but there will be sunshine, SO MUCH SUNSHINE through those rare cracks. There will be another baby boy, a tranquil elective after the traumatic emergency section you endured, and there will be laughter, love, and a successful, flexible business you never imagined possible. Moreso, the pain, the struggle and the insight accumulated because of it and the blog which follows, will help many others. You can't see it now. The book you'll write, the posts you'll share. Now it's an ordeal to simply make it to the local shops but life will feel full and exciting again, and the bond you have with your boys will buoy you up whenever life feels hard, they will be the making of you.
Normality will resume, a new normality, and from the well of sadness will grow seeds and branches of new ideas and glorious connections with others who feel just like you right now.
Be strong, much love x