Mum will always be with you
You can't describe how you feel. It's like an absence of feeling. You don't know it but you're in shock. You're a Mum without a Mum now and nothing will ever be the same again.
It does get better - I promise. Gradually the nightmares stop. You stop remembering your Mum in her last days. What it felt like to hold her hand and say goodbye wondering if she could hear you. You remember her as she would want to be remembered. Laughing. Lots of laughing. Love. Absolute, unconditional love. You realise your happiest memories are the tiny moments - lying on her bed whilst your children nap in-between you chatting in hushed voices about everything and nothing - not the huge events. You take that realisation and try and make more of the little memories with your children just like she would have wanted.
The children. You are doing such much better than you think. Anyone would find being on maternity leave with a 7 month old and 2 year old to look after daunting without this happening too. Stop beating yourself up for not going to every baby group. It's fine to have a duvet day if you need. Stay in PJ's all day and watch tv. It's fine just lie on your toddler's bed and watch her play when her brother sleeps. They want you to be well so do what you need to to get there.
It's the children that keep you going at times. I know you never want them to know how many times the thought of them saved you. How many times you made the plan. Decided that they'd be better off without a Mum than having a Mum who could contemplate leaving them like that. Thinking it'd be better to do it when they're young than to burden them with someone like you the rest of their lives. None of that is true.
It'll be nearly 2 years after losing her that you realise - you got through it. You're watching the children eat their packed lunch on a day out when you think "when did I become my Mum?" and you laugh. You laugh because teenage you would be horrified to think she'd become her Mum. You laugh because it dawns on she's not really gone . Your Mum gave you so many happy memories that you get to share with your children. She gave you the foundation you need to give them everything they need and as long as you remember that Mum will always be with you.