This is not the mother you wanted to be
I see you. I see you looking at your new baby and not feeling that love you had for your first when they were this young. I see you feeling like a failure, feeling like if you love her even just a little she’ll be taken away.
Your baby girl was born with Group B Strep, yes. She does have an increased chance of getting meningitis, yes, but she is yours and if you just take a breath you will and can love her. I know you fear losing her and that the fear is paralysing you right now and that’s ok. That fear is your way of loving her in this difficult situation. You wouldn’t be scared if she didn’t matter so much to you.
The next few months will be tough. You will struggle to let your guard down with your baby girl and you’ll feel terrible that you’re not loving her ‘enough’. You’re going to feel like you’re letting her down and that you are causing some irreparable damage to your relationship. You’ll feel like this pain is keeping you from your son too. You’ll lean on him when you know he’s too young to be leaned on. You’ll feel guilt and shame because this is not the mother you wanted to be. You will feel all these things and it will make you ache to your core.
Take a breath.
A year from now, 2 years from now and for the rest of her life you will adore your little girl. You will love her more than you thought possible. Your daughter will become the light in your darkness and the smile in your sorrow. Your little girl will teach you how to love without restraint and how to embrace life’s joys to the fullest.
Your pain right now will not hurt your baby. It won’t even damage your bond. The only person who will feel this pain is you. So forgive yourself. Accept that you’re feeling sad, scared and weak. Reach out to your husband for support, hug your boy tighter and know that these dark days will pass, that life has so much more beauty for you.
You can get through this, you will get through it and you will be that much stronger for it.