Based in Sydney, Australia, Foundry is a blog by Rebecca Thao. Her posts explore modern architecture through photos and quotes by influential architects, engineers, and artists.

Please don't blame your body

Please don't blame your body

hi mama,

First of all, you're a strong and brave woman (she says, as tears roll down her cheeks). Your body hasn't failed you, you haven't failed you and you haven't failed anybody else. Your body has successfully made life, (technically it made a whirlwind! But we are certainly more than happy with our little whirlwind!). It grew and was home to that tiny human - 10 fingers and 10 toes - Eli was 8 pounds of sheer perfection. 

Your body CAN do it. Please don't blame your body. 

It was just that this time round, Science cruelly said that something wasn't right. Your body, in this instance, did the right thing. 

We all know that if the ingredients aren't measured out right, a cake won't come out right. The science of conception is just the same - obviously a lot more complicated - but this works for my metaphor, at least. Bear with me! In fact, only 20% of couples actually manage to conceive in a monthly cycle. It's just that complicated. Science said something was wrong - science said we had to let the baby go. I know it's not something that I DID wrong. I know all of this, so why does it still hurt so much? 

Your body went through hell and back when you miscarried. The physical ailments may be healed, but your head and your heart will take so much longer. And you need to know, that's ok. 

Some day's you're completely fine, enjoying life as a Mama-to-one. Then sometimes it smacks you in the face like a brick. It especially hurts when your beloved whirlwind settles down beside you, patting your tummy and so sweetly says "but Mummy, when can I have a baby brother or sister?".

Mama, you're ok to cry. Even though its almost a year on. You're allowed to still grieve, to take time out, to not want to speak. But don't bottle it all up, because that won't help anyone, will it? You're a ticking time-bomb if you don't communicate at all. So take your time. Go at your pace, not under any pressure to go at any nobody else's. Speak when you want to speak. Cry when you want to cry. Shout when you want to shout. Just make sure you do it all, and then-some.  

Also Mama, you're going to be sensitive. You'll notice the pregnancy and birth announcements more....and also notice when pregnant women moan about how difficult being pregnant in the heat is. You'll feel bitterly resentful that they're complaining - "shouldn't they be feeling lucky that they're pregnant at all?!".  But remember how you were at full-term with Eli in the soaring temperatures of August 2012? You know firsthand just how much torture that is. Try not to hold grudges. Try not to sweat the small stuff. Try to keep calm - stressing yourself about other people and their complaints isn't going to help. You'll feel jealous when you see your friends, or even complete strangers, pushing their baby in the pram around the park, shopping in Waitrose or coo-ing over them on the train. That's ok and that's normal too. You STILL want that. So try to keep the jealously at bay - turn it into something positive. Take the opportunity to rest. Maybe even have more 'me-time'? 

Yes, it's really scary, yes you're full of worry and anxiety... but one day, you WILL be ready and able to try again. Another pregnancy will not replace the one that you lost. The baby that never was will always remain in your heart as your favourite   '...what if?'. Never, ever forgotten.

Most importantly keep talking Mama. 

You'll get there eventually. 

Claire
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