I see you there, lonely and scared in your own thoughts. I see that your heart is so full of love but broken with guilt and shame at the noises in your head. I see you keeping yourself as busy as you possibly can to block it all out fearful of being left alone, fearful of yourself. I see you hang your head low with shame so frightened of what other people would think. I see you gawping at your baby with so much love and adoration. I see your tears of frustration and at other times joy.
The thing is those irrational thoughts you are having after having your baby are entirely normal, common and nothing to be scared of. In fact they make you hold your precious sweet girl that little bit tighter, and make you more aware of the dangers surrounding you both. You have done nothing wrong, they are merely thoughts after all and they are there because the love you have for your baby is so powerful it can play havoc with your mind. This in turn makes you not believe in yourself. You are 100% NORMAL, please don’t think otherwise!
In just a few months you will escape those thoughts and be the happiest you have ever been. If only you could talk to someone, share your fears instead of keeping them all inside and not telling a soul. There are a band of other mothers out there going through the exact same thing and you are not alone. How I wish you could see that.
You see, those crippling fears will eventually fade and lose their grip on you and you will come out the other side stronger than ever. You will be able to enjoy every ounce of motherhood and then go on to give birth to a beautiful boy completing your family of 4. Those thoughts will never have that same hold over you and life will be wonderful.
What you feel is a weakness will in time be a strength and it will make you be more understanding and empathetic as a person. You will get through it. Your inner strength will enable you to never give up and you will raise the most wonderful human throughout it all.
Please stop beating yourself up and be kind to yourself, everything will be ok.