Returning to work gets easier
I’m writing to let you know that returning to work gets easier. That working in healthcare after a traumatic birth gets easier. That two years down the line, it’s all ok.
Going back to work when your baby is nine months old is something you dreaded so badly that you started a completely new career in something you had zero experience in, just to try and find a way not to leave your kid. You might not be earning a full-time wage in this new career just yet but it’s getting there slowly. You’ve achieved a lot and you should be proud.
Some people have to leave their babies earlier than nine months and others can’t afford to go back to work after the cost of childcare at all and you are SO lucky to have your own Mother look after your baby while you work, but that doesn’t make it easy. All your fears that your baby will love his grandmother more than you are In Your Head. Really. I promise. She is a wonderful grandmother but she is not his Mum.
Right now, your son is going through a bit of a clingy phase, I know you probably won’t believe it, but it’s true. When he was smaller and he called for his gran when he was upset, it was sort of heartbreaking but now, you’re the favourite, no matter how much fun he has with his gran, he still wants you. You’re more confident in your role as his mother, you feel easier about it all.
I’m writing to tell you that part of the reason you were so frightened to leave your baby is because you were not in the right nursing job. The high pressure, fast-paced, sexual health service taught you so much, but you changed, you needed something slower and more counselling focussed. Don’t worry. You found it. It’s not hard to go to work now. You don’t have that feeling of dread on Sunday night anymore. It’s ok to change and to need something different.
Another part of the reason it was hard to go back is because you hadn’t recovered from your birth trauma. When you first went to the hospital to get breastfeeding support after your son was born, you cried because you couldn’t face going inside a hospital. You’ve overcome the fear of working in a clinical healthcare setting now. You just kept turning up because you knew you had to, to pay the bills. Don’t beat yourself up about taking antidepressants to manage the anxiety, if anything I wish you’d taken them sooner, they’ve made a huge difference.
You don’t feel triggered by going to work anymore but, to be completely honest, you’re still not over your birth trauma. It might be time to start working on that.