So many people affected by miscarriage. And now you.
It has happened to so many people you find out afterwards; the nurse taking your blood, a colleague, her sister, a family member, your friend - so many people affected by miscarriage. And now you.
In the same place you saw Felix whizzing around at an early scan, you see a tiny shape on the screen, not moving, just still. The baby, without a heartbeat. It looked almost peaceful. And even though everything had stopped days previously, you wanted to keep the baby with you. It was hard to articulate, even harder for anyone else to probably understand, but you wanted to protect the baby; you weren’t ready to let go. For days you felt like this; wanting to keep a connection, of any kind, not ready to be parted forever. My second baby, who only ever lived inside of me.
It was a missed miscarriage, so your body didn't register what had happened. You hoped it would happen naturally; when it thankfully did, the pain was shocking and intense. The midwife had said it can be like a labour; the contractions were real and went on for hours. Later that night, seeing what would have been your baby has become a moment in time that will be with you forever.
Now you are left with only dreams about what stage of pregnancy you would be at; what kind of baby they would have been, how Felix would have been a big brother at this age. Your mind had raced ahead to your twelve week scan, to telling your family and friends, to your twenty week scan and maybe finding out the sex, to planning a home birth this time, to having two children, to being a family of four. How can you not even know whether you were having a boy or a girl, compared to what you know about Felix?
You still think about the loss every day. Thinking about it now, months later, is the only thing that cuts through the distractions of starting a new job and selling your house. There could have been another life, a baby to cherish. You are now just hopeful to see a third positive pregnancy test one day, for you will treasure it even more. You also feel lucky; for being able to read the words of other women who have shared their experience, to have had the strengthening support from family and friends, to have a husband who kept you upright, and to have had your first baby, who you have clung to with all the hope, joy and love for two.