The challenges of change
Ok so let me start by saying I know you absolutely love being a mother and I know how much you adore your two children more than anything else on this earth. However, I know that sometimes you find things hard when it comes to yourself and knowing exactly who you are anymore.
I know you loved your son from the moment you knew you were having him and you bonded with him without hesitation and wouldn’t ever not want to be a mummy but I also know how this all-consuming tiny person meant changes to the life you had before. Changes that I'm not sure anyone could have really prepared you for or made you understand fully. Sometimes you just have to live things to fully appreciate them.
These changes were not just physically with your body but emotionally as well. You felt that you were only present part-time in every aspect of your life and not always doing things very well. Struggling to try and maintain the balance of being a mother and having enough energy and emotional availability to be a wife, friend, daughter and sister.
You lost any confidence you had. Your body had changed and you weren’t really sure anymore how to dress it. You didn't know what your "look" was. Your old clothes didn't fit anymore and you didn't have the money for a complete new wardrobe so you would try your best to make the few items that you could still squeeze into, and breastfeed in, look ok. But boy did you always feel so self-conscious.
I know that most of the time you felt so lost, all these other mothers around you looked like they were holding things so well together and they still looked beautiful. You felt ugly and like you were only just managing to get things done.
In the beginning you would visit other new mothers and their houses were immaculate, their children pristine and they would have done a dozen things like having gone to the gym, had a shower, done the weekly shop and gone to baby sing and sign. You would turn up late your hair scraped into a ponytail having only just been at home, trying to catch up on house work and those many hours of no sleep that comes with a baby that has bad reflux. Always feeling so self-conscious about how you looked and what you hadn’t achieved that day.
When it came time for you to return to work you went back to a sea of new faces and a company that had changed so much in the time you were on maternity leave, it was like starting all over again and this time with the added pressure of having to prove that you hadn't lost all to a baby brain, there was more to you than just a baby and that you could make it work in part-time hours. All whilst having to deal with the wrench of leaving your precious little man in the arms of strangers.
The one thing that kept you sane and strong through this hard journey was you knew deep down that were good at just simply being Danny’s mummy. OK you may not have looked great, the house was a mess and you were never on time for anything but Danny didn’t care. He only knew that whenever he needed you, you would always be there. He knew that on those nights where the pain of reflux was too much for him to sleep that you would sit up with him so he could lay on your chest and he could get some comfort and rest no matter how exhausted you were. Where you saw a mess he saw the woman who’s face gave him comfort and reassurance, the face that would make him smile and giggle, the face that he could trust like no other. Where you saw an out of shape body he saw a place of comfort, a body that would give him hugs that would make him feel the love you felt inside for him, that would make him feel safe. He will never remember that your hair was a mess and you had dark circles under your eyes, what he will remember is the love that you always gave him.
Love Rainey x