Well done Mama, you're amazing
I’m sorry you didn’t get the birth you wanted, for you or your baby. I’m sorry the first time you held her you felt numb, more like the victim of a car accident than anything else. Not that you know what it feels like to be in an accident but ‘train wreck’ has taken on new meaning after that day.
It sucks you didn’t feel the joy you had imagined, meeting your first born. Only relief, a lot of relief. Obviously that she was ok but mainly that it was all over, and confusion, and tiredness. So much tiredness. Thank goodness you got to feel that because it could’ve been worse. And I don’t say that to minimise your suffering because it is real. But because you know you are lucky to feel this level of sadness, when there is another layer you could’ve felt, and you are grateful for that, every day you get to see your daughter grow.
Your love is powerful, intense and vast. It is enough. You are enough. You have done so well to raise your baby so far, she is amazing. And what joy she has, it’s astounding.
You were amazing, do you know that? I know you feel like an idiot for not following your instincts. But go easy on yourself, the choices you made that started the process that medicalised your birth felt so small at the time. What harm could an extra scan do? You weren’t to know where it would lead, and you are not to blame. It is only with hindsight you can see a one-off stomach measurement by a stranger started something rolling that was difficult to stop.
Nineteen days of labour, on and off. That doesn’t happen, does it? I know you feel like an idiot for going to the hospital for a check-up with the consultant after your pre-labour had started, when you knew it was unnecessary. You weren’t to know you would freak out, and your body would clamp your baby inside you. And you haven’t imagined that, you can read your body, trust yourself, you know when something is wrong.
Like when your baby cried sometimes, you knew she was suffering. And you looked after her, so well, even though you were suffering too. I’m sorry you were back in the hospital before your baby was two weeks old and couldn’t hold her while she cried for food, for you, for comfort. You found such strength when you thought you had none left and you made really tough choices for you both and you cared for her, as much as you could. Nobody wants to see their baby suffer in that way, nobody wants to be reminded how of utterly helpless we can be in the face of real pain. But you can use that, to help build your lives, to enjoy each and every day. You were a warrior for her when she needed you to be, you were fierce, no matter how difficult it was.
I’m sorry it was so hard at the start, it does get easier. Be strong Mama, like you have been each and every day of her short life. You are setting such a good example to her, she will know how to hold her head high and strong in the face of anything because of you. Her life holds hope and promise, like you always wanted it to. Well done Mama, you’re amazing.