You are not a bad mother
I know right now things don't feel as if they are going okay but I promise they will improve. You had tough pregnancies with pain and that was really hard on you, I know this led to further health issues after you had both your girls but you have a great support network and things will become manageable.
There is going to be some real hard times but don't give up, keep searching and pushing for answers. You're struggling with your mental health too and that is okay, please don't feel like it makes you any less of a Mum but you must use the people around you. You will want to try out as many 'home remedies' as you can and you will probably put it off and come up with every excuse not to go speak to a doctor but in your own time you will go and you will see that it isn't such a bad thing. You will start to feel more level headed, you won't get as stressed out as easily and it will help you cope with your physical pain too.
You are quite persistent with the GP's and consultants and that is great. Eventually you will get an MRI scan and an amazing community will pull together to help raise the funds for this, it will make you feel really loved. The results aren't exactly what you were hoping for but you will be on the right track.
Keep going Mama, every day is struggle to get through but push yourself to get out of bed every day, I know you don't want to but you have two amazing little girls that need you. The lack of sleep isn't helping you either and I know it is hard with family far away, having to do each day on your own and that is tough but you can do it. Please don't be too hard on yourself about activities, chores and other things you can't physically do, the girls don't think any less of you. You love them, laugh with them, feed them and protect them, just because there are certain things you have to ask Daddy to play or do it doesn't mean you are a bad mother.
When you feel let down by the NHS try to push on, don't give up, look for an alternative medicine. I bet you'll try a few things before you find something that helps. A chiropractor seems to be your best choice so far. It has made day to day living more manageable and you can get by on little or no painkillers. You'll still have the odd bad day or week here and there but at least it won't be 24 hours a day 7 days a week.
I know you're worried about what you will do when the time comes for you to return to work but you will have to cross that bridge when you come to it. Look back on how your persistence has paid off and stay positive.
Stay strong, you are not a bad mother.
Meghan x x