You are not cut out to be a stay at home mum
You have always enjoyed working. The sense of achievement on a daily basis. It was when you had Zoe that you realised just how much the feeing of intelligence and accomplishment work gave you.
You are NOT cut out to be a stay at home mum. That may be hard for some parents to understand, perhaps you even fear judgment for having a child and a full time career; do you not love her enough to dedicate your whole existence to her?
Of course, you love her as much as the next person loves their own, silly! However, you shouldn’t be ashamed to admit the feeling of isolation at home with her everyday. Inside and out she is, and always has been, the most beautiful soul……why wasn’t that enough? Why were you not content with just being a mum? Once again your own internal questions are like a plague.
The truth is, despite this mental conflict, you just couldn’t do it. You felt like you had lost so much of your identity on maternity leave. The part of you that questions the world from a scientific perspective. The part of you that values your own intelligence. The truth is you were festering.
Think about it, you studied and implemented sleeping patterns and routines, instead of science…..(incidentally this worked a treat….she has slept 7-7 from 10 weeks despite being low birth weight and allergic to milk - nice one!). You were putting your mind to work on whatever you could find. It was then you realised you needed to get back to work.
Working full time and being a mum is damn hard. You have majority shares in Bobby Brown concealer for goodness sake! Mornings are manic, you’ve just about got your own backside in gear 30,seconds before leaving the house and she tells you she needs face paint for Children in Need! (You could write a whole separate ranty letter about school not giving enough notice or reminders for these things, and having important meetings at 4pm…RAGE!) At the other end of the working day, you are physically and emotionally drained…..but regardless, evenings consist of squeezing in an after school activity, making dinner from scratch, the battle to get her to sit still long enough to eat the flipping dinner, and reading a story all before 7pm. Now collapse in a heap?! No Louise….you’ve decided to do a diploma…..WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
You love her. She is clever, kind and sassy in equal measure. There is no question in your mind that her pain is your pain. But you also value your own needs. That may be selfish in the view of some, but it is you.
You have huge respect for full time parents, it takes a whole new level of mental skill. We are all just different. Different needs, thoughts. Different desires. There is beauty in diversity.