You will get over this miscarriage and you do
You never considered yourself to be maternal or even be bothered about becoming a mum. You enjoyed your life of parties and social occasions and doing what you liked when you liked.
After 3 years of marriage you fall pregnant.
You are ecstatic about this amazing news you are going to be a mum! You are going to have a baby.
You never thought you would be that happy but you are. Beaming.
Sadly, this doesn't last.
Your first experience in pregnancy ends at 8 weeks with a miscarriage. You're at work in between facial clients and the cramps start.
They are unlike any cramps you have experienced so you know something is wrong.
You dread going to the toilet because you know what you will see when you look at the tissue.
You feel alone, isolated and a feeling of failure washes over you.
You are no longer an expectant mum. You are no longer carrying a baby.
You are having a miscarriage. A word you never really thought would be associated with you.
You will feel angry and blame yourself. You are angry with everyone. You are angry that nobody discussed this with you. You were not taught about this at school, nobody warned you.
But in time these feelings will start to become less prominent.
In the summer you fall pregnant again.
Filled with anxiety you can't help worrying that the same will happen again.
Any cramp or twinge you analyse.
You examine the toilet paper every time you go to the loo. This will continue throughout your pregnancy.
Each milestone you cross you breathe a sigh of relief but you never completely relax until he is born.
This anxiety follows you throughout the first year of motherhood. You struggle with the lack of sleep, the constant feeding and nappy changes.
You worry about this tiny miracle to an extent that you make yourself ill.
You know it isn't 'baby blues' it's more than that.
It's a sadness, a deep mourning of the freedom you no longer have, a feeling of emptiness, you no longer know who you are.
You fall out of love with yourself and you feel alone. You don't think anyone will notice if you were no longer here.
Your husband finds you crying while having a wee in between feeds in the middle of the night. It's the only time you have been alone for four months sitting on that toilet seat. Crying.
He knows and you know that something is not right.
You open up to your health visitor and she is amazing she helps you and is kind. You have post natal depression and later on you are diagnosed with anxiety disorder.
You learn to live with this diagnosis but it does effect your relationship to a point you nearly split up. You don't.
It creeps it head up when you feel pressured, when you feel you are no longer in control. But you learn to live with this.
You vow never to have anymore children.
But life as a doting mum becomes easier. You learn to love yourself more and accept your new role and you become confident as a mother.
He becomes your sidekick, your buddy, your life and soul. Your purpose.
You are happy.
You fall pregnant again.
You are so happy when you see the two lines on the test kit.
You love the feelings of being pregnant again and knowing you are giving your child a sibling, a best friend to share their life with.
Then at twelve weeks you notice the toilet tissue.
You have your 12 weeks scan moved forward a day.
The baby has no heartbeat. The baby has not been growing for 6 weeks. It's been dead for 6 weeks. The sac has. But the baby hasn't.
You couldn't hear anything. Your ears are filled with a humming sound as your heart sinks into your stomach. You turn to your husband and see the sadness in his face.
Two days passed. Then the cramps came. They became debilitating as you are giving your 2 year old his breakfast. You hemorrhage on the floor. In front of him. It doesn't stop.
You try desperately to conceal what's happening in front of him but you can't.
Again you feel you have failed as a mother. Not only to the baby inside you but to your son eating his breakfast while you are crouched on the floor.
You go to hospital and are kept in.
You lose a lot of blood. Your husband is by your side throughout this. And doesn't leave.
You will need CBT to get you through this. You understand your feelings and emotions more than ever before as you have been through this before. You are wiser, you are stronger and above all you are a mum.
You can do this.
You will get over this miscarriage and you do.
You allow yourself to heal. You are open to others about your experiences and you understand its part of the journey of not only motherhood but of life.
You fall pregnant again and writing this you are a day away from being induced. Nearly a year after.
You are stressed but you accept that it comes with the territory of motherhood.
You can do this.