Your first night at home
Remember this night? It was your first night at home with the little babe. No midwives to help, no buttons to press for assistance.. it was the very beginning of this beautiful journey.
In hospital you fed her from your own body. But as soon as you came home, you struggled with the latch. The little babe woke in the night next to you, she was like a little piglet with her stuffy nose, “routing” for you. Daddy tried to help with the latch like the midwives had taught you, but it just wasn’t happening. You started to panic, the little babe started to cry… Do you remember looking down at her little red face as you felt the worry start to consume you? I can still feel it now.
You thought you were starving her. 11pm turned into 1am, 1am turned into 3am and then it got light... still no latch. Daddy had stayed up all night. If his support could have fed her...
He kept telling you to keep trying, you’d get it soon, that you weren’t starving her... but thats the thing about being a Mummy. You loved her before you’d even met her. seen her, heard her, known her. You would do absolutely anything for her, and so I remember thinking “why can’t I feed her?” 5am struck and Daddy went out for formula.
Looking back, you don’t remember that first bottle or how she took to the formula, maybe I’ll ask Daddy to see if he remembers. But you still remember that feeling of failure for all those hours. And how disappointed you were telling the lovely midwives who came to visit her that you couldn’t get the latch. They offered help, but you declined. Do you know why? Because that first night, you were so sad. You didn’t feel that you were a very good mother if you couldn’t feed her from your own body. You didn’t want to fail again. And that, to this date, is the silliest most irrational thought you’ve ever had.
We are all new mums in this wild new world, and how you feed my little babe should never and will never determine what kind of mother you are. A mother can be measured on her love, and on that first night there was nothing but that. Love tangled in complete overwhelming fear that she wouldn’t survive the night (maybe your second most irrational thought..)
So whether you breast feed or bottle feed, our little darlings will all be in McDonald’s eating nuggets one day ✌🏻 and boy will they love us!
Follow on Instagram - @ladymama_lard